God is good...

God is so good.

As many people already know, my family and I were dealt a hard blow on December 19th. I went to the doctor for my first prenatal visit and learned that we had lost the baby. This came as quite a shock, I guess you never quite expect something like that. I didn't. Everyone has asked how I took it. Well...I tried not to cry at first. I'm not sure why. I mean...that's a situation that calls for tears. I'm a cryer. EVERY episode of Grey's Anatomy doesn't warrant tears, but losing a baby at 9 weeks...tears are okay. I'm still not sure why I tried to not cry. Of course this only lasted a few seconds and then here they came. Jimmy was there, thank God, but I don't know his expression because I couldn't look at his face. Another wierd thing. I didn't want to cry or look at him. Maybe I didn't want to look at him and start crying, or maybe I didn't want to see him sad, or maybe I didn't want pity. I think the latter is probably the biggest reason. Why do we not want to be pitied? I felt like Izzie on Grey's after Denny died and the only words she uttered was, "I'm okay". I felt like I've said that phrase 100 times if not more in the last 2 weeks. Gosh...has it only been two weeks? Of course the difference is, Izzie wasn't okay, but I am. Here I go trying to convince everyone but I really am. It's almost stranger being okay than not. I shouldn't be yet, but I am. I cried a lot the first week, but now...I'm doing pretty darn well. Before I loose everyone...let me explain why.

Monday (the 18th) I emailed a dear friend of mine Amanda Jones (http://jacksonjones.blogspot.com/) asking for a bible study recommendation. I have spent the last few weeks yearning for something more. I grew up in church, but ever since I had the choice to go as opposed to being dragged out of bed, fussed at to hurry up, and then starved for a couple of hours while I tried to stay awake during sermon, I've stayed home. Of course I make an appearance at Easter and Mother's Day, but as far as every Sunday....not so much. Anyways...to say the least I have missed it. JD goes to The Met for MDO and I've attended a few Sunday's there, but not as a regular. So...it had been on my heart to do some damage-control and work on this relationship with Christ. Thanks to Mrs. Amanda's advice I started the Fruit of the Spirit study. It felt good and I believed Beth when she looked in the camera and said, "You are doing this study right now because you need it in your life right now". Of course, I assumed this was because I was tired, and becoming impatient, and needed a pick-me up! Little did I know that within 24 hours life as I knew it would change for my family.

I shared this story not because I have few things to write about right now, but because here I am 2 weeks later completely blown away. I haven't been quite as dedicated as I'd like to be the last few weeks, but this is partially due to family in town and a son who's trying to kick the daily nap habit. JD starts back MDO tomorrow and I can hardly wait to watch my week 2 video. God is more than amazing...he's heart-stirring. I love that word...I used the Thesaurus. Anyways...my heart has been stirred. I may not ever understand why this baby that Jimmy and I were so excited about was taken, but I do understand that it was God taking control. He might have done it for no other reason that to get my undivided attention, and that is as good of a reason as any. He has it....I'm here...I'm ready for whatever work He's about to do in my life. I pray for my undivided attention, for the daily discipline, and for the time-management skills I'll need on a daily basis. I know God will make this happen.

He is SO good.