Sunday, May 11, 2008

A Happy Mother's Day Indeed

As a teenager the last thing I wanted to do was have kids. I'd grown up with too younger (much younger) siblings and didn't think I wanted to be around younger kids ever again. I've always been a rather selfish person. I have no problem admitting this now because it's an issue I have given to God and though I still struggle with my earthly selfishness, I know it's an area of my self that God works on everyday! I can still remember my Nana telling me shortly after having JD how amazed her and PawPaw were with the person/mom I'd become. I believe she said, "You were always such a selfish thing that we are just so amazed and proud of you now." Gee, thanks. I can honestly say that I have my kids to thank for my self-lessnish now, which in turn is such a gift from God. So on this Mother's Day I am so thankful for them, because they have made me into such a different person.

There are certain feelings that you only experience as a mother. These feelings are such benefits to motherhood. It's like my Sephora Card, it's a FREE service and you reap incredible benefits. Motherhood is by no means Free. It's rather expensive both financially and emotionally, but you the rewards are so worth it.

Some of the feelings I never new until being a mommy...

- the guiltiness I feel for being away from my babies too long

- the guiltiness after losing my temper

- the guiltiness I feel for not bonding with MacKenzie until she was 4 months

- the guiltiness I feel every time I "wish" for a break

- the overwhelming joy that breastfeeding brings (I wish I wouldn't have given up so quick with JD and nursed instead of pumped)

- the overwhelming joy that JD's squinty-eyed, toothy grin brings

- the overwhelming joy that MacKenzie's toothless grin brings

- the overwhelming joy I feel every time I hear JD say "I love you"

- the overwhelming joy I feel every time I am the only one that MacKenzie will stop crying for

- the overwhelming joy my children's laughter brings

- the protective feeling only a mother knows, there are times when I have to walk out of the room when Jimmy is fussing at JD so that I don't jump to his defense

- the obsession with wanting to protect them both every second of the day

- the fear that something will happen to them

- the fear that something will happen to me and I won't be able to see them grow up

- the fear in failing as a parent

- the sadness in knowing that one day they will break my heart

- the sadness remembering the days when I broke my own mother's heart

- the sadness in knowing they will get their heart's broken

- the broken heartedness I feel for those mommies out there with sick babies

- the gratitude I feel that God blessed me by making me a mother

- the gratitude I feel that I am not not only a mother but THEIR mother

- the gratitude that my own mother and grandmother raised me to be such a loving individual

- the gratitude that I was brought up loving Jesus so that I can in turn teach my children to love Him

- the gratitude that He sent His son to die on a rugged cross to save us so that we may spend eternal life in heaven

How blessed I am and how grateful I am to be able to love these babies of mine every day. I have some precious pictures coming but I have to wait to upload them because I had to order a new part for my camera!!

I'll end by saying that this past Sunday was the best Mother's Day yet. I spent all day with my precious family and just enjoyed these three blessings I get to be with daily. We had a wonderful breakfast with my in-laws and then a potluck dinner with our whole street. JD and I topped off this marvelous day by baking cupcakes together. It was a day to remember for sure...

Happy Mother's Day to all you mommies!


Amy said...

Steph~You are an amazing mother, and an inspiration to us all. Both JD and Kenzie are blessed to have you !! I'm so happy to hear that you had a wonderful day, and just reading your words lifts my spirit. HUGS !!

Janelle & Ella said...

It's amazing to me the common bond of motherhood. If I made a list it would be almost exactly as yours. I guess that's why that bond is so special and wonderful.